


To Patty, My Love (Soft to Be Strong)

by h311agay



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, it's stans note to patty, kind of, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:09:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h311agay/pseuds/h311agay
Summary: "I love you so much, Patty, and I know that asking you to believe me is asking a lot, but I need you to. And… I need you to mail the letters I’ve written. I’ve compiled a list of their addresses.You don’t need to share this letter with the Losers, either, Patty. It’s entirely for you and you alone if that is what you’d like, but it’s okay to share it with them, too. Their letters are less personalised. I wrote this one special, just for you.I love you, Patty. I wanted to grow old with you.I’m sorry."Stan's note to Patty, what more can I say?
Relationships: Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	To Patty, My Love (Soft to Be Strong)

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I just kind of started thinking about Stan and that scene where they show the letter to Patty and someone was like "oh i wonder what stan said to her" and now im like here 1.6k words of angst and true love

_ “Dear Patty, _

_ Light of my life. My Love, My Dove, My Babylove.  _

_I am_ **so** _sorry. I know that I can’t ever make it up to you, no matter what I write in here. I spent hours writing and rewriting what I wanted to say to you. I’m running out of paper at this point, so I suppose I just have to be honest with you. I love you with every part of me, Patty, and I am so sorry that this is what had to happen._

 _You’re probably asking ‘why?’ and it’s just hard to explain. I’m going to do my best, because you deserve that, at least. What I’m going to tell you is going to make me sound absolutely insane, and a part of me wishes that I_ **was** _crazy, but I need you to believe me when I say I’m not. Or maybe you don’t have to believe me. It might be easier for you to not believe anything I tell you in this letter. If that’s what’s easiest for you, Babylove, that’s okay. I understand. God knows I wish things could be different._

_ The phone call I received right after you booked the flight was from a man named Michael Hanlon, but he’s better known as just Mike, or Mikey. He was, undeniably, one of my best and closest friends as a child. I grew up in a town called Derry in Maine. Isn’t it crazy that I’ve never told you that? I had forgotten, if you can believe it. I had forgotten Derry and Mike. And Bill Denbrough (yes, William Denbrough the author!). Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier (yes, the distasteful comedian. I doubt he’s writing his own material), and the architect Ben Hanscom, and Beverly Marsh of Rogan&Marsh. The seven of us were best friends at one point in time. Called ourselves the Losers Club. And, oh, Patty, we were Losers. _

_ Derry isn’t a good place, Patty, and I’m literally begging you to never, ever go there. Not for answers, not for questions, not even to visit my friends if they’re begging you. Derry will kill you, if not kill you, it will change you. And not for the better. I will do everything I can to tell you all that you absolutely  _ **need** _ to know so that you never step foot in Derry. Don’t even go to Maine if you can avoid it. Please, Patty. I am literally begging you, my last wish in life, don’t go to Derry. _

_ Derry does nothing but takes from people. In October of 1988, Derry took Bill’s little brother. Georgie Denbrough went missing, alongside dozens of other children the rest of the school year and into the summer of ‘89. I turned 13 that summer, had my bar mitzvah that year, and honestly, it was one of the worst times of my life. Not just the bar mitzvah, but that whole summer. _

_ But 1989 is when the Losers Club made a blood oath. You see, Patty, and if I don’t already sound like a crazy, rambling fool by now, I surely will after this. You see, Georgie Denbrough was killed by It. Yes, the capitals are important. It was not like anything else. It’s so difficult to put into words, Patty, and I am so scared right now. I’m shaking like mad and I think I’m a crying mess. I can’t really tell. It is a being beyond comprehension, I suppose, and It feeds on our fears. It eats, It feasts, It kills and devours. It came to us in the form of Pennywise the Dancing Clown. _

_ But something about the seven of us was special, and we did something that we believe no one else has ever done before. We hurt It. We thought we killed It. _

_ But we didn’t. When we went down into those sewers (I know, it all sounds so ludicrous and if I hadn’t been there and experienced it with six other people, I wouldn’t believe it either). But It took Beverly, so we went in for her and to stop It, but I got separated. I don’t know how, because It was good at manipulation and could do things you thought impossible. And It cornered me. I saw It’s deadlights. _

~~_ I wanted to float in them forever. _ ~~

_ The deadlights are hard to explain. It’s like experiencing all your worst fears all at once. Not just monsters under your bed kind of fears, either. Fears that resonated deep in your soul and made you question your very existence and being. Fears that strikes so deep into your core that… twenty seven years later, when the friend you’ve forgotten about calls you to tell you that It has returned…  _ ~~_ It told me I would want to be in them forever, and I did. Patty, I wanted to stay there so badly. _ ~~ _ I don’t know how long I was in It’s deadlights, but my friends pulled me out, and I don’t know if they ever realised I saw them, now that I think about it. Because when we found Beverly, it was different for her. She was floating up in the air, all slack jawed and with her eyes wide open and blank. Not unseeing, blank, white. She and I talked, briefly, about what she saw when she was in them, but she never asked me what I saw. But why would she? She hadn’t known I was in them, and I hadn’t told any of them. _

_ Because what I saw… Patty, what I saw were options. Choices that I could make when it came to this battle. It had shown me, in the deadlights, that there was two versions of how our final battle would go. One, the Losers defeated It — for good. Or for good for as long as it needed to stay dead. The other was where we did not succeed.  _

_ The seven of us would die, and it would be my fault. Because It would use you against me. It would come for you, bring you to Derry, and take you from me. Forever.  _ ~~_ We would. I would. It would. Patty, I couldn’t. Babylove, I.  _ ~~

~~_ Patty _ ~~

~~_ Babylov _ ~~

~~_ I can’t begin to expr _ ~~

_ I’m sorry. _

_ When It showed me, I saw Bill with his wife, Audra. It had dragged her into the fray instead. She was catatonic and practically vegetative, but through the bit of magic that just happens to live in the Losers Club, Audra was brought back. She got better. When It showed me you… It knew that I wouldn’t be strong enough to fight back against It if it were you instead of Audra. Only It knew that It would have to kill you to truly break me. And, Patty, love of my life, It would have killed you if I went to Derry. I know this like I know my love for you. It is so deep and true and nothing can change it. It would have killed you. If you find someone worth holding onto, never ever let them go. I couldn’t let go of you, Patty.  _

_ In that space, the deadlights, you can’t lie. What is said there is nothing but the truth, if you let it be. I had two truths to choose from, and I had to pick the one with the least casualties, Patty. Do you understand that? This one is not perfect. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want you to die even more than that. I don’t want you to die. I can’t… I can’t get us all killed. I would lose my mind if you died, Patty. It would have killed us all if I went to Derry, because It would have called you to Derry and It would have killed you. It would survive to cause more hurt and loss. _

_ I want you to know, Babylove, I have never been anything but happy with you. You have been everything to me and I never want to let go of that. But I have to save them. Bill, Ben, Beverly, Mike, and Richie. I have to save you. I’m not the only one who won’t survive this battle, Patty. Eddie is going to die, too. It pains me to my core to know there’s nothing I can do to stop Eddie’s death. I don’t have time to stop anything, I barely had time for this letter. _

_ But I had to tell you, and if you can’t believe me, then that’s alright. I tried. If you do, I’m sorry. I would have told you sooner, but like I said. I forgot. Derry takes from you. Derry took my childhood and those memories away, so I couldn’t even warn you. I wish I could have. There’s so many things I wish I could have said and done. I think I’d like to kiss you one last time, if I could, but if I go and look you in the eyes, I’m afraid that scenario two will play out, and I can’t risk that. _

_ I love you so much, Patty, and I know that asking you to believe me is asking a lot, but I need you to. And… I need you to mail the letters I’ve written. I’ve compiled a list of their addresses.  _

_ You don’t need to share this letter with the Losers, either, Patty. It’s entirely for you and you alone if that is what you’d like, but it’s okay to share it with them, too. Their letters are less personalised. I wrote this one special, just for you. _

_ I love you, Patty. I wanted to grow old with you. _

_ I’m sorry.  _

~~_ With all my love, _ ~~

~~_ Sta _ ~~

~~_ With all my he _ ~~

~~_ My one and onl _ ~~

~~_ Forev _ ~~

~~_ Love _ ~~

~~_ Alw _ ~~

_ Be brave, _

_ Stan. _

**Author's Note:**

> Really what this this fic is about is that I wanted an explanation to patty on why stan did what he did and I hate both kings reasoning behind kill stan and muscheittis reasons on also killing stan and no one talks about how stan was looking into the mouth of pennywise.
> 
> He saw the deadlights


End file.
